On Sunday morning, Brian asked me if I wanted a nap, just as we were being awakened by Jack’s crying. I half-sleepily said, “God, are you kidding?? Of course! That’s a stupid question!” He posted our exchange on Facebook, and got several responses. Most were just people laughing, but some of them seemed to imply I should be falling all over myself in humble appreciation because Captain America generously offered to take care of his own kid.

And this brings up an important insight that we are both getting, these days. I understand from talking with my friends that our situation is unusual. I understand that Brian is not only a good person, but a great partner and dad. I am lucky to have ever met him. And I am astounded that his level of involvement in raising our son is not the norm. It saddens me, not only for my own sake and the sake of other women, but also on behalf of all the men who are missing out on the lives they’ve helped to create.

For all the advancement of women in the workplace, religion, and politics, women are still expected to be the primary caregivers at home. I hear and read all the time about “the second shift,” women who work full-time and then come home and run the household. Frankly, I think it’s not only exhausting for women, but insulting to men. He doesn’t know how to cook? He’s 35 years old, for God’s sake! What did he live on before now? Worms?

The magazines geared toward “Parents” and “Parenting” (with those very titles) are actually geared toward women–moms! Articles on make-up and hair advice abound. Tips on how to lose that baby weight, etc. I think that these publications can be very helpful and supportive to women who are doing all of the child-rearing, with or without a dad in the house. But dads are often left out of the marketing equation. Why? Because so many of them aren’t doing that work. It’s shocking, actually. Brian started out being offended by the mass-market exclusion of his role in the parenting process. I have had to point out to him more than once that it’s because so many men just aren’t interested. Then he changes the direction of his outrage and rails against the biases of his own gender.

As well he should. In the 21st century, we as citizens of the world should be ashamed that women make 70 cents on the dollar for the same work in business, that magazines need to market all of their parenting advice to women, and that men are expected to bring home the bacon, camp out in front of Monday Night Football, and swill beer. I even have a pregnancy book that advises “letting Dad help” by about the third week of the new baby’s life. WHAT??? Brian was like, “And what have I been doing until then? Sitting around with my thumb up my ass?” Which of course, he wasn’t. But it shocked us both to discover that even among couples we know, that’s more common than we ever realized.

So. Yes, I am grateful. Of course I am grateful. I couldn’t ask for a better partner, lover, friend, and father for our son. But to those men who believe that raising children is “women’s work,” I’d like to say, “You are missing the boat, dude. You are missing the most important work of all, the most important moments of life. And it sucks to be you.”